Saturday, February 12, 2005

Marriage talk..

I have never seen myself hitting such high pressure peaks in my life. My temper soars high, words just fly out of my mouth, sometimes its hot anger that leaves me fuming in silence – well, I never knew it took so much to get married to someone, through an arranged, parents settled proposal. While the alliance seeking process goes on in full swing at my place, I am finding it increasingly hard to digest certain shortcomings of arranged marriages.

Before I say anything else, let me make it clear that I am not against arranged marriages. All the business of horoscope matching and knowing the family well and all that is definitely worthwhile and something that is unique to the Indian society. But what I look for is a change, to suit the present generation. Things are not the same as it were, some 30 years ago, when my parents got married.

Now, the scene at home. My mom has registered my name and horoscope with at least three places, hmm..let me recollect – Taamras, Sringeri mutt and Mahalingapuram chart (well, all that is what I found out hearsay)..and you would see her settling down with the classifieds of The Hindu on Sunday and dutifully ticking and sorting out the vadamas and ashtasahasraams and brihacharanaams..Man, and what happens to the other charts? They send you piles and piles of computer generated sheets that list endlessly, a record of prospective grooms.

The Taamras thing really sends me into fits of rage. The ‘wonderful’ software actually matches your profile to all the other such groom profiles based on gothram, nakshatram and all the nuances of zodiac. When my mom told me this for the first time, I was shocked. Shocked. And I just yelled, “you trust a computer, but not me??”

And how could I forget tamil matrimony in between all this? It lines up in my dad’s inbox so obediently , “Tamil Matrimony.com – matches on 12/02/2005” and so on and so forth. The mechanised messages read “Dear Member M123456, Congratulations!! (Well?) you have received a message from profile id MXXXXX” and probably ends with a good luck. And Imagine, for once I regretted having been in software, for I had to sincerely open my dad’s inbox everyday and show them the mail. Since, my parents didn’t understand the complicated working mechanism of the colourful site, they would make me do all the messaging part of it, while I sat and cursed my luck.

I would sit and wonder, how I would ever find the man of my lifetime there. Ah, no offence meant to the people who got married that way, but it’s all a question of choice or one’s individual way of looking at things. My biggest problem is that I need the time to know a guy before I married him. But as my mom reasoned it out two days ago (during yet another fight) that time constraints are high in an arranged marriage, I just wondered why a small accommodation like this couldn’t be made. After all, even mothers work these days and they would be more outgoing.

Girls today are more independent, much more educated than before, and hence wouldn’t just give into a relationship after a one time meeting with the person, whom you are expected to spend a lifetime with. At least, I wouldn’t. while I continue to ask for time, my parents insist that the family is good and the guy ought to be good. Fair enough, he might be a good guy but the question is, do I get along well with him? Do we really “click”?

Frustrated parents and relatives would immediately say, Ok, if you have someone in mind, let us know, we will get you married to him! And whenever, someone said that, I would question, “Then, would you drop the gothram and nakshatram business?”.Once my mom said, let me give you the list of nakshatrams, you shortlist based on that. Fantastic!! Might as well go for an arranged marriage.

My stand is probably confusing to many or may be everyone. But all that I am asking for is, a little bit of flexibility. Some bending of rules. Honestly speaking, I wouldn’t easily settle for someone, even if I tried looking for somebody, all by myself. That is the way we (I add my sis here too!) have been brought up. But if I did find someone, good enough, I would just wish my parents would accommodate, without all these lengthy rituals, trusting me! Even if it’s somebody whom they see for me, all I want would be some time to know the guy!

All said and done, last year, at the marina beach, I tried my hand at “killi josiyam” and the parrot, that spelt out my fate, took a card, which the guy described to me. “while you and your parents have different things in mind about your marriage, you would get married to a guy whom you like and who suits your parents wishes too,” he predicted. And what do I do now? I only continue to hope that what he said would be true! Then, I would thank him and his cutie parrot!

9 comments:

JaganLee said...

Anu,
Same here. I didnt think that arranged marraige will send me to nerves. I too fought with my mom for all the reason, for which u fought, plus 'against horoscope matching', as i dont believe in it[thats a personal opinion].
Everyone expects to know their partner well, before marraige. But we dont have the luxury of time. If u take a month to know a person, saying 'NO' for him is very difficult, as it'll send both sides parents on nerves. My point here, arranged marraige, and knowing a person doenst go well.

VM said...

Maybe this is what MJ called flattening when talking about the tendency to not discriminate on account of technical advancement. Discrimination is better than equality at times.

saranyan said...

this whole scenario sucks. right now I'm getting the heat from my parents too. they wouldn't budge on the horoscope matching, not even a bit. whats more difficult is the emotional blackmail that follows.
the talk first and meet later approach should work I guess. meeting fo a few times (if it is possible) would be good.
but as jagan said, knowing thoroughly in an arranged marriage situation is tough!

The Last Blogger said...

Am I experiencing a sense of deja vu' or am I seeing every other blogger complain about matrimony issues ?

I have written kinda the same comment everywhere and dont wanna repeat it.

As Saran and Jagan know, I just got married to my girlfriend of 5+ years and really didnt experience this brouhaha first hand. But I did see it happen for all my cousins (still happening for a few more) and I can tell you, the whole scenario is weird. Esp if you wanna know the person before saying yes. Maybe some telephone conversations even before the girl seeing thingie would help ?

Anupama Viswanathan said...

Well, you probably see many of us cribbing, coz, just like I realise, may be the others find blogs the best place to vent out your building frustration!!:)

Twin-Gemini said...

Well, I am of the other kind. I believe a lot in matching horoscopes. In fact, my parents have come to a point where they are ready to get me married to anyone of my choice :-)

Prabu Karthik said...

Boy,i thought i was alone and now i find company left and right:-)
Oops..No work done since morning.
Got to get back to that before EOD

Interesting blogs

Adiya said...

this would be a very dormant commented posted for your early blogging.
While leaping across the blog i caught yours and going through your chronicles slowly. first i appreciate your vivid ideas and wishes.. gud.
Right from the bharathi , mouna ragam and now arranged marriage are amazing.. gud way of sharing things. i tightly agree your vistas.

keep going.. gud show.

Madhu said...

"“while you and your parents have different things in mind about your marriage, you would get married to a guy whom you like and who suits your parents wishes too,” he predicted." Ah! this is exactly what was predicted for me too... by a kili josiyar.. at marina!! ummm...